Feelings
by Kaidious
Summary: "I'm sorry..." Yullen. Mild Laven. AU. One-shot (short).


Disclaimer: DGM isn't mine, characters are all Katsura Hoshino's.

Inspired by a quote, written a week back and had decided to post today.

Hope you like.

* * *

><p>"I am sorry Allen." The redhead's voice seemingly broke.<p>

And Allen stared painfully at the face turned away from his, tears brimming.

Grey eyes then looked down at the tiled floor of the restaurant, hands trembling.

"I-I didn't intend to… I-it just happened…" He could see Lavi clenching one hand with another.

Allen cleared his throat as quietly as possible and spoke.

"I… need some time alone."

With that, he grabbed his bag and left the restaurant.

The minute he was sure he was away from sight, tears flowed inevitably down his cheeks.

He had not expected it to turn out like that. It was not meant to be like that.

Lavi was going to treat him to an all-you-can-eat buffet and they were going to be happily hanging out.

It was definitely not going to be the scene where the redhead confessed he had bedded a woman yesterday simply because his instincts acted on his own. How long had they been together anyway? Half a year? And the guy already bedded someone else? What was he taking Allen for!

He wanted to go somewhere, anywhere he never went together with the redhead before. But he was new in the city – he didn't know any place other than those Lavi brought him to. And he didn't know anyone except Lavi and… Kanda.

That evening, was the first time Allen drove to Kanda's house – gate crashing.

"What the hell do you wa— are you fucking crying?" The words that left the raven haired's mouth the second he opened the door.

Allen lunged for the man in a hug, consequences flunked to the back of his head.

…

…

"I am sorry Allen…"

The white haired mouth froze in mid way of munching upon a dango, and his throat seemingly got stuck voiceless.

He knew that phrase.

Of course he knew it.

Grey eyes looked up at emerald, heart clenching at that face the redhead was having. The guy looked so pained, but how could he? Allen was the one hurt, when was it Lavi the one?

Forcing himself to swallow the bits in his mouth, he laid down the remains of his food.

He could not help but clench his fists as he stared at his food, damning his best to stop tears from appearing.

"This isn't the first time Lavi."

"I- argh. I'm really sorry. I got drunk real bad…"

Allen stood silently, simply turned and left.

The redhead was telling him all these when he could have opted not telling. This was a good proof that Lavi did love him didn't it? Why else would he confess rather than lie? Lavi did not want to lie to him, which should be a good thing isn't it?

Tears cascaded as he gazed up at the sky, waiting for the water work to stop.

So why did he felt so nasty and wrenched? It was as if his heart was stabbed.

That night, Allen gate crashed at Kanda's house again.

"What now? It's fucking ten—"

Allen threw himself at the taller male.

"Kanda…" A sob was starting then even though the tears had just stopped an hour ago.

He felt the Japanese arms pressing him close, and his tears flowed anew.

"Che."

…

…

"I'm sorry Allen…"

Allen sharply let go of his metal utensils in his both hands, letting them fall freely onto the clay plate with resonating clanks.

The white haired leaned back in his seat, hands clenched, gritting his teeth.

He closed his eyes, pushing against the tears threatening to come out as he tried to even his breathing. A voice so low he did not know could be his left his lips.

"Is it a brunette this time?"

There was no response for a long while, until grey eyes snapped open to meet emerald when Allen was sure the water were safely stored.

Lavi looked away.

And he heard the redhead's mutter.

"It's an Asian…"

Somehow, Allen winced. And he had no idea why.

"Oh." It was all the white haired could say.

Then silently but surely, he stood up to leave.

That night, the white haired visited Kanda's house again.

"You are a fucking idiot." The raven haired spat with a glare as the door opened.

Allen went forward and hugged the man, a broken chuckle escaping him as tears pricked.

"I know…"

…

…

"I'm sorry Allen... I- I honestly did not want to, I just—"

Allen placed his forks on the glimmering white plate with snail pace, and flicked his eyes up to stare at the redhead seated across the table from him.

"Oh."

"Allen, listen, I —"

"Stop." The white haired ordered, eyebrows furrowing with a pained look he knew was edged on his face at that moment. How many times had it been? Really? Why? Was Allen that unattractive or what? He faced downward to avoid gaze from the other, he knew he could not say the words he was about to say if he looked Lavi in his face.

"Don't…" Allen's voice almost broke, which was why he stopped himself mid sentence before he got caught.

He clenched his fist as he swallowed harshly. He tried again.

"Don't say you love me again."

He left the restaurant.

That night, Allen went to Kanda's house once more.

"You—"The deep familiar voice only started.

But Allen already threw himself forward so heavily they landed back on the floor of the Japanese's house.

"Kanda…"

Tears streamed endlessly down his cheeks into the clothed chest of the said man.

"Kanda…"

…

…

Kanda sighed and walked over to the white haired that had just situated himself on his bed – again.

He pulled off the elastic on his locks and lifted an arm to ruffle that white hair when he was within reaching distance.

Allen then leant his head onto his chest, tears still flowing.

Kanda combed the white strands that glittered silver in the moonlight streaming from his window for a short while before pushing the younger male onto his bed gently.

Getting onto his bed himself, he turned Allen to face him and sneaked his arms around the younger's waist like the many times before.

"Sleep." His voice echoed in the silent night.

The white haired snuggled his head between his shoulder and chin, and the Japanese could still feel the water running on the other's cheeks.

His eyebrow ticked. Who did the usagi think he was? Doing all that crap even though he knew who it would hurt. Cobalt slid shut and Kanda laid his chin atop the white hair, fingers making random shapes on the other's back.

"Kanda…" The voice trembled, and the raven haired only held the seemingly too broken male tighter.

"Kanda…"

The said male hummed in response, deciding he was supposed to.

A short pause lingered before the white haired spoke again.

"Kanda…"

Now Kanda was pissed.

"Fuck you moyashi, stop calling my name if you have nothing to say!"

He heard the younger make a noise too close to chuckle and frowned.

"Kanda…" The raven haired decided to stay silent. Those tears were still running on Allen's face, he could feel it.

"Do you know the feeling…?" A sob interrupted Allen's words. "Where this person, no matter what he did or how long it's been…"

The tears flowed faster.

"As long as he said he loves you, and he wants you…" The other's voice broke. "You'd say it back right away?"

Cobalt stared at the plain white wall on the side on his bed, contemplating the question in all seriousness.

"Yeah."

The body he held seemingly froze for a good moment or so.

"You do?"

Kanda narrowed his eyes at the wall and held Allen tighter.

"That's what I said."

He felt tears streaming faster and growled.

"Heh. Nothing. " Hands gripped his shirt.

"That should be good isn't it… I finally found someone who understands…"

The raven haired snorted. "How the fuck is that good?"

It was not good at all. He would have rather he know nothing about that shit called feelings.

"'cause there's someone who understands…" the younger murmured, drifting to sleep.

His heart panged. And cobalt snapped shut, eyebrows furrowing slightly at the hurt he was feeling. No way in hell is that good.

When would the person laying between his arms look at him?

Allen never visited unless he got 'cheated' on. Why? Because deep down, Kanda knew he was nothing more than someone for the white haired to spill his rants and heart to when that very same heart gets broken. He was just that. And only that.

Fingers gently stroke through the mess of strands and he lifted his eyelids just enough to see the reflective silver locks. Suddenly, the world glazed over, and Kanda shut cobalt once more.

No matter what he did or how long it's been, as long as he said he loves you, and he wants you, you'd say it back right away…

It was hilarious. Why did he answer a 'yeah'?

It was more like no matter what he did that he didn't even know he did or how often it's done, even if he does not say he loves or want you, just so long as he comes, you would give him your embrace…

A half hearted chuckle crawled its way out of his throat.

It was totally not the same thing. He must have been out of his mind to say he understood.

And a tear slipped loose from that cobalt, following diagonally across his cheek into the silver mess.

…

…

"Kanda, it would be the last time I'd believe him anymore."

Cobalt looked at clear grey, and without moving, the said man pointed out "That's what you said the last time. Oh, and the previous. And the—"

"Alright!" Allen shot up from his lying position on his side which was facing Kanda, and called.

"It's really the last, Kanda."

Kanda shut his eyes, draping an arm over them. Really, the last? He was not quite sure whether he was supposed to feel glad or reluctant. It would mean…

"Che."

He heard some shuffling of fabrics, before suddenly he felt his arm on his eyes getting pulled none too gently. A growl made itself known instinctively.

"What the he—"

"Let's go have breakfast."

All the words he had queued in his head just froze and Kanda looked at the younger male with wide, suspicious cobalt. What?

"I said, breakfast!" The white haired repeated, sounding a tad annoyed.

The Japanese raised a brow, stared, still skeptical. Breakfast? What a joke, the male always left the moment the sun rises and he wakes.

The harsh pull on his arm turned into a light hold as Allen looked down to the ground.

"I just—I mean, I've been imposing…"

Kanda shook his hand away like dirt and pushed himself up.

"Fine."

Hold no expectation, he reminded himself.

Acting like he did not give a damn, he grabbed the coat he hung up the day before and headed for the door.

…

…

"Are you still eating soba?" Allen asked, the big menu placed right before him as he mentally listed those he wanted to order – it was on the twentieth but he was nowhere near finish.

There was no response and the white haired slid his menu flat on the table in time to see cobalt rolling.

"Are you still eating like a pig?"

"I take that as a yes." Allen frowned. The raven haired just could not miss a chance at insulting him, even though the older male would be so kind whenever he turned up at the guy's doorstep at night.

A light blush streaked his face as he remembered how tightly Kanda held him the night before. Ah.

With that, Allen waved over a waitress and started to name the food he wants to order. He was in the middle of listing, reaching upon the fifteenth second dish, when he caught a flash of hurt within the cobalt he had been secretly looking at.

And then, the older stood up like a lightning bolt and stated. "I'm leaving."

His mouth left agape, and suddenly frantic, Allen caught the other's arm.

"What? Why? _You_ said 'fine' to breakfast!"

He got a dark glower as a response, and the white haired mind could only whirl in utter confusion as wide grey eyes stared. Had he done something wrong? What did he do wrong?

"Allen!"

A shiver ran up his spine.

He knew that voice.

What a comedy, of course he knew that voice.

Swallowing, Allen finally got what caused the Japanese to act the way he did. With a contemplative frown, he renewed his grip on Kanda's arm with more force.

He was pleading silently, as he said determined to the raven haired.

"Stay."

Kanda frowned at him with that glare for a good minute before he shook his hand off and dropped back into his seat with a 'che'.

Slowly, the white haired sat back into his seat as he waited for the inevitable.

"Allen!" that voice called once more just as Lavi stopped at their table, panting."Oh Yuu-chan you're here too."

"I dare you to say that again." The raven haired before him hissed, obviously already more than irate that Allen had asked him to stay. Grey eyes travelled to the ground.

"O-okay, Kanda." He heard Lavi relent, before the words he knew would come came. "I need to speak to Allen... alone. "

"I was the one who asked him to stay." The white haired announced, standing up to look into that overly familiar emerald orbs. Just a little, his heart squeezed. It felt like…

"Say whatever you want here." Allen continued.

Lavi's eyes darted back and forth between him and Kanda before a sigh escaped.

"Allen." He saw the redhead took a deep breath. And he knew what he was going to say. "I know what you told me. But I, I really love you."

He smiled, but he knew it was a sad one.

"I'd quit alcohol. I need you, Allen, these days I –"

"Enough Lavi." Allen breathed, sliding his eyes shut.

"It's been… more than enough times of that play for me." Grey eyes opened to stare into green.

"Maybe you do love me, in all seriousness." Allen said. "And to be honest, I loved you too."

"But you know what, it's just became a part of the past. I don't, right now."

"No, Allen, that isn't it. I know you—"

Allen snorted, averting his eyes from that familiar face. "How long did you know me? We've been together for near a year and how many times have you apologized?"

He cleared his throat, willing those memories away.

"You know, it's not today that I stopped loving you. Actually, it probably dated way back…" Hesitating, the white haired continued. "Do you remember those days I answered an 'Oh' to your confessions?" He searched the green eyes and found the slight recognition.

The white haired smiled, sadness tingeing. "Yeah. It probably started from there. Those… weren't 'oh' for being betrayed again. Those weren't 'oh' for having expected it." A frown made its way to his face.

"Those were… Oh, you didn't mean that much to me anymore." Allen sucked in a breath. "And they were 'oh's … that were confirmations of the feelings I've been denying – feelings for someone other than you."

He looked into those pained green eyes, guilt pricking him.

"You get it don't you?" It felt like… goodbye.

"This time, Lavi," His fingers played on the rim of the glass of iced water on the table. "It's me."

"_I_ am sorry."

With that said, he turned in direction of the raven haired that had been nothing but silent throughout, pulled him out of his seat and exited the restaurant.

It was goodbye.

…

…

The chime on the glass door resounded as the two of them left the air conditioned.

Allen closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh air.

"Oi." Grey eyes opened, and he turned to face Kanda. He raised an eyebrow.

"Don't fuck with me. Are you okay."

The white haired smiled, deep from his heart. He had not felt that way for a long time.

"Yep!"

The Japanese was obviously skeptical as he frowned at him.

He sighed, Kanda apparently needed an explanation.

He paced the few steps to a nearby cement pillar and leant his back on it, facing the raven haired.

"I feel like I've gotten a burden off my chest."

Kanda nodded sharply, and Allen only smiled more.

Talk about feelings for someone other than Lavi…

He threw himself at the older male, and bit a smile in as Kanda held him in an embrace on instinct.

Allen licked his lips lightly, suddenly a little nervous.

Then slowly but surely, he placed his left hand behind the taller male's neck –heaved himself taller with his toes – and tilted his head to lay a chaste kiss on the other's lips.

Getting back steady on both his feet, hand still hooked around Kanda's neck, Allen breathed into the man's neck.

"Is it okay?"

The man froze; he could feel it from how close they stood.

His heart was racing in panic, and suddenly all the possible scenarios of rejection he had not even thought of came rushing into his mind like a mighty torrent. The white haired could only swallow thickly, and swallow more as time ticked and Kanda remained frozen.

He was about to say something, anything to break the ice, when two strong arms jerked him away from the warm body he had been leaning into.

Am I going to get killed? Am I going to get killed? Is getting killed or getting rejected worse?

Grey eyes locked with cobalt orbs and he could feel those eyes searching within his own for something. Allen only curbed his frown and tried to convey all his sincerity to the older male with his gaze.

It was not something on impulse. That much Allen knew and was sure about. As he had said, it probably really dated months back.

Then abruptly, a pair of lips crashed into his with all the furiousness of the world.

His eyes widened in surprise as those lips pressed further into his, trying to pry his mouth open with the motions. A hand held the base of his jaw so tightly Allen could almost guarantee it would leave a bruise as the other continued with the actions, switching the side of his face with Allen every now and then. His eyes slid slowly shut as his face heated up, and the white haired was about sure he was going to relent to those determined movements of the older male's lips when Kanda pulled away, breaths in huffs of pants.

As he sucked in a deep breath, he realized Kanda was not the only one panting.

Cobalt locked grey once more, and Allen suddenly felt he might seriously just drown in those mesmerizing pools. How come he did not realize it before?

A swift kiss was laid on his forehead, so gently.

And then softly, almost inaudible, Allen heard Kanda breathed.

"I've been waiting."

* * *

><p>Happy Birthday Allen~<p>

And Merry Christmas to all~

Lavi lovers don't flame, thanks... Yeah.

Reviews are welcomed.

I'll be posting another one-shot on the final day of this year - the reason why this is mini. Hehe xD I wrote that one first, just hadn't finished it.


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